oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
