That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
