Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm having to shit out rocks
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