my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize