Don't make out with my wife yet
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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