he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
