you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
