just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
