i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
