happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
