Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How does one acquire holy water?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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