you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
