btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
