I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
