You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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