Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
