I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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