If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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