I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
