I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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