my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize