I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's official drugs can't kill me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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