the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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