someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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