my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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