You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
