I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
