I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
