I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
