I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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