He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
