So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
