I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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