And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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