Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize