if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
my poor anus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
