seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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