god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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