I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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