Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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