1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
