Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
