Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
