tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
