All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize