nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
