we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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