woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
