Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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