Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
