maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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