I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
