Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
