Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
