Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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