Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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