I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
