I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
