we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
