genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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