is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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