So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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