yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
